Operation for Hope Reminds Victims of Violence That Goal is 'Safety, Not Justice'

By Kimberly Weisz and Gina Coburn

Last month, we provided information on how to obtain a restraining order and why someone might need this type of order. As a follow-up and to provide additional information, Operation For HOPE Foundation is continuing to share and stress the importance for a victim of domestic violence abuse to diligently consider and review the pros and cons of a restraining order in the prevention of future violence. 

“Safety is a process, as violence is a process. Safety isn’t a place you arrive at and stay. When victims go to the police, a consultant, a private detective, or a therapist, they want them to make the problem go away, to help them find that safe place. They are looking for “The Answer,” and in this context, it doesn’t exist,” said Operation For HOPE Foundation Board Chair, Bob Martin.

First, you need to thoroughly discuss and review your relationship and its unique issues with a professional to determine if a restraining order will get you closer to or further away from the goal of safety. We want you to think of a restraining order as one of many options available and not the only option in deciding what safety steps will be most effective given your situation. Please understand that a restraining order is one aspect of protection but this piece of paper can heighten the risk and cause a breaking point for the abuser to become even more violent and act on previous threats. 

Once this order is issued, an abuser may feel that they have nothing to lose. At the time the restraining order is served, this is the most dangerous time. The person who filed for the order and their family members need to be in a heightened state of awareness for their physical safety.

A simple start before seeking a restraining order is to begin by asking yourself: will a restraining order help or add to the cons of my dangerous situation?

In addition, many other factors need to be assessed with a professional such as:

• Is the abuser extremely jealous? 
• Do they follow or stalk you wherever you go? 
• Does the abuser own firearms? 

You need to understand and prepare for the potential dangers before determining if a restraining order is your best option in adding to your safety and in the prevention of future violence. 

Unfortunately, there is no one answer as every situation and relationship is unique with its own factors. Understanding these dynamics are key to understanding what might or might not trigger someone to be violent. Someone who would otherwise not be dangerously violent could become extremely dangerous when a restraining order is served. Again, a victim needs to thoroughly review and discuss with a professional to better understand how an abuser may or may not react.

The most important priority is for victim safety. Often that might mean to immediately stop all contact with the abuser and appear to do nothing. Avoid contact by not returning phone calls, text messages or accepting packages. Change your phone number and your address. Have an emergency bag ready to go. Turn off the GPS function on your phone and use a post office box for mail. Try to improve your personal security.  

Getting away safely is the highest priority and is often a better solution than trying to change the abusive relationship or engage in a war with the abuser. Too often, despite the restraining order put into place, the system fails and the violence escalates to a devastating loss.

As restraining orders are just one part of a larger safety plan; again, it’s critical to work with a case manager or victim advocate to plan a course of action and what types of intervention to pursue. Seek help through the National Domestic Violence hotline, The National Sexual Assault hotline, YWCA, Center for Community Solutions or San Diego Family Justice Center. Work with these community service providers to obtain information about shelters and a safe place to stay temporarily during an emergency.

Most likely, the abuser’s behaviors toward a victim won’t change and with the feeling of rejection from the victim this only adds to the danger in this relationship. Sometimes adding a restraining order to the mix may intensify the abusers rejection and make the situation worse. This may put the victim at risk because it threatens the abusers control over the victim. A restraining order may cause the abuser to feel threatened or insecure. The abuser may panic because they are losing their power and control. More rejection can fuel the fire for devastating circumstances.

The words "restraining order" or "protective order" are deceiving because it's expected to restrain the aggressor or protect the victim and instead could put the victim at risk. Abusers of domestic violence will do anything to remain in control. Most victims have already experienced this as they are trying to break the control cycle.

In many cases, the TRO was cited by the attacker as the triggering factor:

• SHIRLEY LOWERY – waiting outside courtroom for TRO hearing, her husband stabbed her 19 times.
• ANN SCRIPTS – After years of alarming and violent incidents involving her husband, Ann Scripts obtained a protection order. Her husband beat her to death two weeks later.
• CONNIE CHANEY - got a 30-day protective order. Husband raped her at gun-point, and attempted to kill her. So she got a two-year court order. Before gunning her down, he wrote in his diary, “this is war.”
• THERESA BEAN – estranged husband violated TRO and stabbed her.
• BETSY MURRAY – got TRO which her husband violated 13 times before killing her.

Having a safety plan in place and avoiding the abuser are most important during this critical time.

Remember, the goal is safety, not justice.

Before you do anything, proceed with caution and work with a case manager or victim advocate to understand the pros and cons of each option before deciding which to use. If you are at risk, you can seek help to determine how much risk. 

Resources:

• To get immediate help and support, call 911
• The National Domestic Violence hotline – 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
• The National Sexual Assault hotline – 1-800-656-4673
• Center for Community Solutions, TRO & Legal Clinic – 858-272-1574
• YWCA, Legal Services – 619-239-2341
• Operation For HOPE Foundation – operationforhope.org

References:

• Stalking: Prevention and Intervention, Robert J. Martin
• Intervention Decisions: The Value of Flexibility, Gavin de Becker
• Southbendtribune.com: Protective order just part of safety plan