Evil Mother Lady: When Did My Babies Get So Grown?

So, now it is time for the next confession: Where does the time go? This week, my oldest and youngest both celebrated monumental birthdays, 16 and 12, and I am still reeling from the shock. How can my little people have become so big?  In my mind’s eye, they are still toddlers running around and getting into everything, clinging to me as if they would never let go. How can they be old enough to stay home alone, baby-sit others, and, for the oldest, drive?  Pre-college program, hello, when did we get to this point?

Age is something I usually ignore, believing in the adage that age is just a state of mind. My personal philosophy on age has always been to round up to the nearest half decade, starting in Florida when I was 25 and still getting little respect as a college graduate and woman. The year I turned 26, I was magically “almost 30” and I stayed “almost 30” until I actually turned 30, when I decided to round up to “almost 35." At “almost 45," I have gotten used to the “you look so young for your age” comments.  However, now that my babies have grown so quickly into young ladies, I cannot ignore the gray hairs anymore, nor the fact that my tenure as a mother of young children is approaching its end. 

I hide my shock at how quickly the years have flown with a (hopefully) relaxed appearance to my children and friends. I camouflage my worries behind whimsy and jokes. Otherwise, I would weep for hours on end. I have been pacing myself through this marathon of motherhood, thinking it would never end, pep-talking myself to make it to the finish line and get them launched into adulthood. And now the end is in sight, six more years until my youngest graduates from high school. 

I don’t have the usual worries I hear other mothers voice—what will I do with myself when they are gone; how empty the house will be; when will I be a grandmother. What I will do with myself is not a worry —I can usually fill my days with more activities than there is available time. Instead, I worry about the road ahead of my little people, crossing my fingers and praying it is a smooth path and they prosper. Worry about the mistakes I have made in raising them, the cautions I have forgotten to administer, the experiences I wanted them to have, the roads not taken—would they have been a better choice in the long run?

Viewing the road ahead of them is simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying. From my “ancient” perspective, I foresee college (hopefully), careers, dating, potentially marriage, perhaps children, lives full of themselves, their passions and interests.  Having been the center of their worlds for so many years, contemplating a spot on the sidelines of their future lives is a strange new world.  Such a place has been the stuff of daydreams and nightmares, and I don’t see how it crept so quickly upon me. Where has the time gone?  How can they have become almost full-grown and I don’t feel any older? 

Maybe it is just a matter of perspective. When I was young, time stretched on forever and waiting was so hard. Waiting for another year to pass when you’re only nine is waiting for a tenth of your life to pass.  Now, months and years go by and we hardly notice.  So many memories and events crowd your mind, you are unaware of how quickly the time passes.  And waiting so excitedly for your children to reach the milestones of life, talking, walking, running, school, sports, pets, best friends, and so on, your anticipation veils the reality. It is not until you face the final milestones of childhood that you realize how quickly they happen. So, how fast is time marching for you? And what do you imagine life looks like post-little people?

Confessions of the Evil Mother Lady…it’s all about the real woman hidden behind the “mom” title.  I hope to shine a light on the invisible lives mothers lead, starting with me, the Evil Mother Lady.  Let’s continue our conversation about how our tenure as “mom” hides much of the woman behind the title.  Please join in – your stories are relevant, amazing, and interesting and should be heard.